This has to be the toughest thing I’ve ever been through. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. I’ve never felt so weak and hopeless in my entire life. I don’t have it as bad as others and it makes me feel a bit better that I’m not alone. I wake up 1 to 3 times a night and most of the time I can fall back asleep thanks to meditation techniques. I was at the healthiest condition ever until this happened. School is just adding the stress especially when I’m taking very important classes such as Anatomy and physiology 2 and microbiology. I’m glad to see that even though I lack sleep, I still exhibit higher energy levels than people that do have enough sleep. I try to act like it’s normal but I can’t help to feel these sagging eyes and throbbing head. I look in the mirror to see a pale face with dark bags under my eyes. I feel physically weak. I can’t progress in my strength, it’s hard to focus on school work, sex drive is lower. One of my friends who came back in town during winter break even said I’m not acting like myself. It’s very annoying to hear people dismiss what I have when they have never experienced it. It’s nice to just have people listen. I didn’t want to dread over this by making a blog post but shit I need to let it out. Some days I have two sides of my own voice talking against each other in my own head. There are people out there like my with sleep problems but they call it normal. I refuse to conform and succumb to this sleep cycle some call “normal” and be a zombie for the rest of my life. Anyone saying it’s normal or I should get use to it can staying living a life being sick, sad, and depressed. I’m known for being healthy, happy, and energetic. All the doctor did for me was give me pills. I go to a sleep specialist and again, mentioning pills. I’ll probably have a sleep study done where they hook up wires all over my body like I’m an robot. Through all this I’m just trying to stay strong and recognizing that this is a challenge in my life that will help me become stronger… but still, this is some hard shit. Trying to find the strength to fight when your energy and life is sucked out of you is very difficult. Enough bitching, time to get back on my grind.
Selena Quintanilla-Pérez (April 16, 1971 – March 31, 1995)