I can keep talking about random shit from martial arts to poetic metaphors and philosophies and she just listens and tells me its interesting. So caring and willing to put aside her pride just for me. Willing to take up some of my interests and lifestyle habits. So yielding but strong.
As time passes, we grow at different paces and to different levels. Some just do drugs and bum out at home not doing shit. Some are too coward to get what they want. Others settling down for easy things for convenience. They don’t even have passions or goals. How can I even relate. We are only connected by the past.
I met her in a night class for microbiology. We worked with each other in lab. I started feelings sparks and attraction from both sides and that’s when she told me she was engaged (newly I guess from her telling me she just want to puerto rico with him last summer) and had a kid. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. I went home pretty bummed out. Next week I came in lab but I didn’t say anything because I felt awkward about what happened. She asked me “Khoa, how old do you think I am?” I guessed 23. She told me 27 (almost 28). I was shocked again. Damn she looks good for her age and being a mom, especially in those scrubs. That lab we joked around like crazy. She keeps laughing at the stupidest things I say/do. Like holding you belly, face turning red type of laugh. I thought she was pretty funny too. It’s so rare for a girl to get me to have a genuine good laugh. Well, I left feeling good that we were hitting it off only to remember that she was taken and that nothing will come out of this.. I got sad. This happened almost every night I saw her. Every single night we worked together, my feelings would grow stronger. Sometimes there was flirting. I thought “what chance does a 20 year old like me have with her, so I should flirt all I want without a worry.” She is so receptive to me but I would catch her stopping her self. Like in the midst of her laugh in response to me she would stop herself. She did things like putting her hand on mine, trying to help me with a procedure when really it felt like she wasn’t helping at all and was just laying her hand there. If she finished before I did, she would wait for me to finish what I was doing so that we could walk together to the parking lot. I kept insisting that we study together for the exam and she kept declining saying she doesn’t what her man to think that she’s doing something with me. A few more labs pass by and we get to know each other more personally. I started to think about her every night when I went bed. I can’t help that almost every lab we have there is chemistry between us but with resistance from her side. It’s not helping me move on. I would never try to ruin what she has with her man but again, I can’t just be an asshole and stop talking to her while we are lab partners. On our last lab practical I finished first and left. I texted her saying she was too slow and that I had something “important” to tell her. She responded what happened but as soon as she was home, she told me she couldn’t text me until tomorrow. I didn’t tell her that “important” thing. Then until our last lecture final. She asked if I wanted to review for the final. I told her no because I was just gonna cram by myself and said “if you finish early, wait for me so I can say bye.” I finish first and I wait for her outside while laying down. I wait for about 10 minutes and she walks out. She walks right pass me, we didn’t make eye contact but I saw from my peripheral. I see her continually walk and there I was, just sadly watching her leave. My last text to her, “dang, you just left me.” She didn’t respond and that was it. Once again, I was sad. No closure at all. Later that night I talked to an old head. He’s very wise and open minded about things. He told me “That’s the type of girl that you want. She was trying to protect her new relationship by avoiding any possibilities that could happen between me and her.” That made me feel a little better. It makes sense because throughout the time that we interacted she would always stop herself from being too receptive to me. I deleted her number and our text conversations. As of now I don’t know what happened between us and how she could just have walked right pass me without a word. It’s been a long time since I really liked someone like that. I could feel my heart calling and not just my dick. This wasn’t just a girl I wanted to hook up with. I had real feelings for her but there was nothing I could do. Maybe what she did was right. Lol I’m got all sad over nothing. I will always remember this.
This has to be the toughest thing I’ve ever been through. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. I’ve never felt so weak and hopeless in my entire life. I don’t have it as bad as others and it makes me feel a bit better that I’m not alone. I wake up 1 to 3 times a night and most of the time I can fall back asleep thanks to meditation techniques. I was at the healthiest condition ever until this happened. School is just adding the stress especially when I’m taking very important classes such as Anatomy and physiology 2 and microbiology. I’m glad to see that even though I lack sleep, I still exhibit higher energy levels than people that do have enough sleep. I try to act like it’s normal but I can’t help to feel these sagging eyes and throbbing head. I look in the mirror to see a pale face with dark bags under my eyes. I feel physically weak. I can’t progress in my strength, it’s hard to focus on school work, sex drive is lower. One of my friends who came back in town during winter break even said I’m not acting like myself. It’s very annoying to hear people dismiss what I have when they have never experienced it. It’s nice to just have people listen. I didn’t want to dread over this by making a blog post but shit I need to let it out. Some days I have two sides of my own voice talking against each other in my own head. There are people out there like my with sleep problems but they call it normal. I refuse to conform and succumb to this sleep cycle some call “normal” and be a zombie for the rest of my life. Anyone saying it’s normal or I should get use to it can staying living a life being sick, sad, and depressed. I’m known for being healthy, happy, and energetic. All the doctor did for me was give me pills. I go to a sleep specialist and again, mentioning pills. I’ll probably have a sleep study done where they hook up wires all over my body like I’m an robot. Through all this I’m just trying to stay strong and recognizing that this is a challenge in my life that will help me become stronger… but still, this is some hard shit. Trying to find the strength to fight when your energy and life is sucked out of you is very difficult. Enough bitching, time to get back on my grind.